The lost me....

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I had been trying hard to stay strong for the past few weeks but deep down me, I know that I am not.

For once again, I felt lost...
I do not know where is the direction in my life and I do not know what to do next.
I had even thought of letting the one that I loved most, go..
But then, He made me realised that even if we were to end this relationship that we had, I would still be at lost.

I really do not know what am I thinking or what am I doing...

All I know is this...
I need to accept the reality and learnt to deal with it no matter what.
But can I do just that?????!!!!!!

I can only pray so............................



Awak, I do love you.. There is no doubt about it... I only need to find myself for awhile...
Thanks for not wanting to let me go. I do appreciate it. Love you always... forever..



To those dat have left us, here is a gift in remembrance of your once presence in this world; Al-Fatehah.

Out of School... Now wad?????

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Time seems to past so fast that now, I had graduated with a diploma about 1 month ago..
5 years of straight educational time-line was such a thrilling roller-coster ride.. Missing all the friends and those who make me who I am today from those days... if only, we could freeze the time.....

Niwae, life goes on for me and I need a job...
marriage is in the air but i noe it won't be too soon before dat day comes...
as for health, let's just say dat i m leaving it to the professionals to figure it out..
coz it is quite frustrating with all the restrictions dat i faced..
Ohh God, bless me pls..


Love u awak... Never lessen at all after all these time that had passed..

Wad do I do? How do I say this?

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Dearest God, it this the test that you want me to face?
Please give me more strenght for I am losing my grip in holding myself in this love story of mine..

I love him but we are losing each other already...
I dunt think I can no longer be easy on myself...
I hate feeling so dissatisfied like this...
I love him.. REally, I do..

But can I last?
He is such a wonderful guy that I really wish to be the wife for...
But I can't deny what my small heart wants.....
I am so confused....

Ohh, God....
Please give me the strenght to go on...
Please show me the way for us to understand each other again...

I love him...I really do....

I do not wish to be apart from him....


Please God... I beg you... Be easy on us...

I am home.. eerrhh..home from work, i mean..

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Dear God, please give me strenght to go through this and be at the 'top' of me again..

Somehow, there are just too many words in my mind that I do not know how and where to start..

But let me get this straight.. I will be fine..

Thanks for all the concern and care.. I am not trying to be boostful.. But I will be fine..

I need my space in my 'me' world...


Cheers..

Al-fatehah..

Wad a Sunday in Scotland..

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I started my day today in the wee hours... I couldn't really sleep well.. So I thought why not.. Let's catch the sunrise in Scotland... I was awake by 1.35am (dundee time)... Was accompanied by him the night before but when he was awake.. I was woken up too.. Somehow, I know dat it was his time to wake up.. Kind of telepathy, I guess.. I cleaned my room.. Grabbed my rented v.cam (its my late uncle's) and breakfast..and off i go at 4am (11am, spore)... I was out of the apartment way before anyone in the flat was awake.. I wonder if the janitor was up either.. My stroll to the Tesco, was rather scary and cold.. No one was around and the sky was rather dark.. The sound of sunrise was rather eerie.. I guess it has to be dat white birds on the trees.. They look cold and eager waiting for breakfast.. Den I reach the park with the playground... I was delighted by the welcome of small birds and rabbits.. Although they run when I try to come near them.. I know they know that I wont hurt them.. Took some pictures dere... Then, I jogged my way up the broken railway track to the side where they called it the sea... It was a beautiful sight and to be able to catch the sunrise was just fantastic.. I thank god, for what I am today and what I have today.. I guess I would not know what will happen next.. But I know He always have the best interest for all every moment of our life... There were lots of dundee discovery point near the sea.. Never knew about it until today... I jogged up all the way till I reached the 24hrs Tesco...
I spent only 3.15 pounds dere.. But was in the store for like 3 hours plus.. I was sleepy by all the window-shopping.. Den, I said to myself.. Let's head home and sleep.. Which I did, just dat.. I slept for about the time when I know that he was going home... To my surprise, I had missed an important massage.. It was from my sis telling me that my parents will meet me online at 12nn (spore time). I had totally missed on that message coz I was out... I guess God did not want us to meet today...
Oh well, I continue with my day, by having lunch in my room and tidying up works of my darling... Which was also very cool coz I was kind of flying as I had chocolate when I was working on it.. Meet many people online.. They wish me well and have all the mushy 'miss u all' kind of thing every now and then... Ouh, dont you get me wrong on dat.. I really misses you all.. I guess if we never was apart, we wunt be missing each other dat much, rite... hehhee..
Den, evening comes... And I was talking to my darling online... Guess wad... Somehow, I had this bursting of anger to my family for playing such a prank on me, wanting me to be online but give such false hope.. I told my darling the story and told him how disappointed I was for not having any news from them.. Not even a call or sms.. He said then told me dat my mom had called him to say dat she doesnt want to call me coz my cousin had his hp bill comes close to $2k coz he went to America... I told him.. Dat is my cousin... I am using a pre-paid card... How expensive can dat be?!! EeRRhh.. Wad pissed me off the most was the fact that I didnt get any news from my family ever since dat last message from my sis... I was mad.. Coz I waited long to hear from them again... I guess dis is how u will feel when u r just so far away from the ones that you love... The loneliness and feeling neglected...
So, yup.. This is how my sunday was today.. I really hope dat it will turned out better soon..
Or if not... Please god.. Let me be strong... I hate this knid of feeling...
Btw, happy belated Father's Day, ayah.. REally was looking forward to say it to you personally.. I guess it wasn't our fate today.. No luck, they say..

It's been awhile and I miss everyone...including those who are no longer with us today...

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)



Before, I continue.. Let us just say some prayers so that those whom we love and had left us will be at peace..

Khususan illahi al-mukminin nal mukmina..

"Al-Fatehah"...

Amin...



It have been quite a rough 2 weeks here in Scotland... I am still not use to be so far away from home.. I used to take advantage of having good food anywhere and everywhere any time.. Now, I have to succumb to my life of cooking anything and everything that I have everyday.. Be it delicious or not.. I just have to bear with it... It is rather expensive here... And if I were to eat out everyday, I will be short on finance.. So, I guess I will have to bear with it for awhile..



You know somehow today, this morning, I really misses home dearly.. Dat how I wish that I got my own private plane to fly home and come back to finish off my work here.. I really cun't wait till it is time to go home.. Really misses home dearly.. Even though about Z, busu and all...

Mak, ayah, along, anggah, atul, ayun, aish, kak azian, kak mazlin, etc... I love you all n miss u all..



To my sayang, you too, you know.. I miss you deeply...

Oh, my.. tears have already find their way to my eyes.. better stop..

Pray for me yar...

I love you..love you..love you..and only you..

1st day at work in Dundee

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I am sure that this enrty will come in appropriate as I believe that you must be wondering how have I been?
How's work? And etc...

For a start, let me share with you how I am trying to adapt to the new environment..
Everyone here is friendly and there are so many beautiful & peaceful area that I guess will last me for long to explore.
Althought it is very cold out here, the warmth from the people here just make me feel comfortable but rest assure, if I am freezing, my hero, Miss Hillary will be there to warm me up, hehehe...

It has only been 4 days, but oh well, I am already missing home(Singapore) and all.. But like what they say "no pain, no gain"...
So, I think it will work just fine if I can continue to keep in touch with home till I am much more settled down...
Every night (6-11pm in Dundee), I am in touch with everyone at home.
I guess this is what they call jet-lag, coz if you were to check the time out in Singapore
that will be around 1-6am (the time that I am always up to do my work back @ home).
After 11pm (Dundee time), I will usually fall asleep before waking up again around 2-4am (Singapore: 9-11am).
I believe that as time goes by, I would be able to adjust to the time. But for the mean time, I just have to bear with it.

In terms of food, everything is ok... I had already found out some halal outlets around the city (but that is subjected that I remember where it is and if the shop is open). Hehehe.. I can now pronounce myself as the unofficial 'vegetarian'...
I used to 'try to avoid vegetables' at home but now, look at me, I am eating vegetables or anything 'vege' almost for every meal...
Ohh god, this is just great... Healthy eating, yar.. Hahaha..
But yup, it will be just fine as I had come with quite a fair bit of food ration from Singapore too on top of the vege meals. Hehe..

In terms of work, first day at work is as usual... Introduction..introduction and more introduction..
Although I am suppose to report to work @ 9am yesterday (Monday, 8th June), there were some other administrative issues that hold me up to be there on time.

Yesterday, at 9am (Dundee), I meet up with Miss Hillary and we walked to the registra to settle the matriculation issue.
Apparently, the University works by the system and since my case is not the usual, there were some misunderstanding.. But rest assured, for my hero (Miss Hillary) was there to rescue me and I am now very much matriculated. There is some other things to settle today, though, which is to get the password from the IT dept and to settle the accomodation bill. I am paying by master card but I was rejected to make payment yesterday. So today, I will come by the payment office with my brother and try to settle it as fast as possible.She then walked me to my work place where I was introduce to Professor Mike Stark & his co. plus 2 girls from Ngee Ann poly. Later at lunch, we went for lunch together as Singaporeans.. hahaha.. Lab was ok... As it is only the first day, I had much reading to do to catch up. Later today, I maybe able to start the wet-lab on western blotting. The knowledge I gained from ITE and NYP is very handy, but I guess it is never the same as when you do something practical. Let's just hope that it will be just fine..

Till then...

See ya..


To my sayang, I love you and miss you lots..