Di dalam hatiku... Hanya Tuhan saja yang tahu

The lost me....

2010-06-05T10:10:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I had been trying hard to stay strong for the past few weeks but deep down me, I know that I am not.

For once again, I felt lost...
I do not know where is the direction in my life and I do not know what to do next.
I had even thought of letting the one that I loved most, go..
But then, He made me realised that even if we were to end this relationship that we had, I would still be at lost.

I really do not know what am I thinking or what am I doing...

All I know is this...
I need to accept the reality and learnt to deal with it no matter what.
But can I do just that?????!!!!!!

I can only pray so............................

Awak, I do love you.. There is no doubt about it... I only need to find myself for awhile...
Thanks for not wanting to let me go. I do appreciate it. Love you always... forever..

To those dat have left us, here is a gift in remembrance of your once presence in this world; Al-Fatehah.

Out of School... Now wad?????

2010-04-20T11:19:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Time seems to past so fast that now, I had graduated with a diploma about 1 month ago..
5 years of straight educational time-line was such a thrilling roller-coster ride.. Missing all the friends and those who make me who I am today from those days... if only, we could freeze the time.....

Niwae, life goes on for me and I need a job...
marriage is in the air but i noe it won't be too soon before dat day comes...
as for health, let's just say dat i m leaving it to the professionals to figure it out..
coz it is quite frustrating with all the restrictions dat i faced..
Ohh God, bless me pls..

Love u awak... Never lessen at all after all these time that had passed..

Wad do I do? How do I say this?

2009-07-26T02:58:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Dearest God, it this the test that you want me to face?
Please give me more strenght for I am losing my grip in holding myself in this love story of mine..

I love him but we are losing each other already...
I dunt think I can no longer be easy on myself...
I hate feeling so dissatisfied like this...
I love him.. REally, I do..

But can I last?
He is such a wonderful guy that I really wish to be the wife for...
But I can't deny what my small heart wants.....
I am so confused....

Ohh, God....
Please give me the strenght to go on...
Please show me the way for us to understand each other again...

I love him...I really do....

I do not wish to be apart from him....

Please God... I beg you... Be easy on us...

I am home.. eerrhh..home from work, i mean..

2009-06-25T23:54:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Dear God, please give me strenght to go through this and be at the 'top' of me again..

Somehow, there are just too many words in my mind that I do not know how and where to start..

But let me get this straight.. I will be fine..

Thanks for all the concern and care.. I am not trying to be boostful.. But I will be fine..

I need my space in my 'me' world...

Cheers..

Al-fatehah..

Wad a Sunday in Scotland..

2009-06-22T00:50:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I started my day today in the wee hours... I couldn't really sleep well.. So I thought why not.. Let's catch the sunrise in Scotland... I was awake by 1.35am (dundee time)... Was accompanied by him the night before but when he was awake.. I was woken up too.. Somehow, I know dat it was his time to wake up.. Kind of telepathy, I guess.. I cleaned my room.. Grabbed my rented v.cam (its my late uncle's) and breakfast..and off i go at 4am (11am, spore)... I was out of the apartment way before anyone in the flat was awake.. I wonder if the janitor was up either.. My stroll to the Tesco, was rather scary and cold.. No one was around and the sky was rather dark.. The sound of sunrise was rather eerie.. I guess it has to be dat white birds on the trees.. They look cold and eager waiting for breakfast.. Den I reach the park with the playground... I was delighted by the welcome of small birds and rabbits.. Although they run when I try to come near them.. I know they know that I wont hurt them.. Took some pictures dere... Then, I jogged my way up the broken railway track to the side where they called it the sea... It was a beautiful sight and to be able to catch the sunrise was just fantastic.. I thank god, for what I am today and what I have today.. I guess I would not know what will happen next.. But I know He always have the best interest for all every moment of our life... There were lots of dundee discovery point near the sea.. Never knew about it until today... I jogged up all the way till I reached the 24hrs Tesco...
I spent only 3.15 pounds dere.. But was in the store for like 3 hours plus.. I was sleepy by all the window-shopping.. Den, I said to myself.. Let's head home and sleep.. Which I did, just dat.. I slept for about the time when I know that he was going home... To my surprise, I had missed an important massage.. It was from my sis telling me that my parents will meet me online at 12nn (spore time). I had totally missed on that message coz I was out... I guess God did not want us to meet today...
Oh well, I continue with my day, by having lunch in my room and tidying up works of my darling... Which was also very cool coz I was kind of flying as I had chocolate when I was working on it.. Meet many people online.. They wish me well and have all the mushy 'miss u all' kind of thing every now and then... Ouh, dont you get me wrong on dat.. I really misses you all.. I guess if we never was apart, we wunt be missing each other dat much, rite... hehhee..
Den, evening comes... And I was talking to my darling online... Guess wad... Somehow, I had this bursting of anger to my family for playing such a prank on me, wanting me to be online but give such false hope.. I told my darling the story and told him how disappointed I was for not having any news from them.. Not even a call or sms.. He said then told me dat my mom had called him to say dat she doesnt want to call me coz my cousin had his hp bill comes close to $2k coz he went to America... I told him.. Dat is my cousin... I am using a pre-paid card... How expensive can dat be?!! EeRRhh.. Wad pissed me off the most was the fact that I didnt get any news from my family ever since dat last message from my sis... I was mad.. Coz I waited long to hear from them again... I guess dis is how u will feel when u r just so far away from the ones that you love... The loneliness and feeling neglected...
So, yup.. This is how my sunday was today.. I really hope dat it will turned out better soon..
Or if not... Please god.. Let me be strong... I hate this knid of feeling...
Btw, happy belated Father's Day, ayah.. REally was looking forward to say it to you personally.. I guess it wasn't our fate today.. No luck, they say..

It's been awhile and I miss everyone...including those who are no longer with us today...

2009-06-18T15:39:00.003+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Before, I continue.. Let us just say some prayers so that those whom we love and had left us will be at peace..

Khususan illahi al-mukminin nal mukmina..

"Al-Fatehah"...

Amin...

It have been quite a rough 2 weeks here in Scotland... I am still not use to be so far away from home.. I used to take advantage of having good food anywhere and everywhere any time.. Now, I have to succumb to my life of cooking anything and everything that I have everyday.. Be it delicious or not.. I just have to bear with it... It is rather expensive here... And if I were to eat out everyday, I will be short on finance.. So, I guess I will have to bear with it for awhile..

You know somehow today, this morning, I really misses home dearly.. Dat how I wish that I got my own private plane to fly home and come back to finish off my work here.. I really cun't wait till it is time to go home.. Really misses home dearly.. Even though about Z, busu and all...

Mak, ayah, along, anggah, atul, ayun, aish, kak azian, kak mazlin, etc... I love you all n miss u all..

To my sayang, you too, you know.. I miss you deeply...

Oh, my.. tears have already find their way to my eyes.. better stop..

Pray for me yar...

I love you..love you..love you..and only you..

1st day at work in Dundee

2009-06-09T14:25:00.003+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I am sure that this enrty will come in appropriate as I believe that you must be wondering how have I been?
How's work? And etc...

For a start, let me share with you how I am trying to adapt to the new environment..
Everyone here is friendly and there are so many beautiful & peaceful area that I guess will last me for long to explore.
Althought it is very cold out here, the warmth from the people here just make me feel comfortable but rest assure, if I am freezing, my hero, Miss Hillary will be there to warm me up, hehehe...

It has only been 4 days, but oh well, I am already missing home(Singapore) and all.. But like what they say "no pain, no gain"...
So, I think it will work just fine if I can continue to keep in touch with home till I am much more settled down...
Every night (6-11pm in Dundee), I am in touch with everyone at home.
I guess this is what they call jet-lag, coz if you were to check the time out in Singapore
that will be around 1-6am (the time that I am always up to do my work back @ home).
After 11pm (Dundee time), I will usually fall asleep before waking up again around 2-4am (Singapore: 9-11am).
I believe that as time goes by, I would be able to adjust to the time. But for the mean time, I just have to bear with it.

In terms of food, everything is ok... I had already found out some halal outlets around the city (but that is subjected that I remember where it is and if the shop is open). Hehehe.. I can now pronounce myself as the unofficial 'vegetarian'...
I used to 'try to avoid vegetables' at home but now, look at me, I am eating vegetables or anything 'vege' almost for every meal...
Ohh god, this is just great... Healthy eating, yar.. Hahaha..
But yup, it will be just fine as I had come with quite a fair bit of food ration from Singapore too on top of the vege meals. Hehe..

In terms of work, first day at work is as usual... Introduction..introduction and more introduction..
Although I am suppose to report to work @ 9am yesterday (Monday, 8th June), there were some other administrative issues that hold me up to be there on time.

Yesterday, at 9am (Dundee), I meet up with Miss Hillary and we walked to the registra to settle the matriculation issue.
Apparently, the University works by the system and since my case is not the usual, there were some misunderstanding.. But rest assured, for my hero (Miss Hillary) was there to rescue me and I am now very much matriculated. There is some other things to settle today, though, which is to get the password from the IT dept and to settle the accomodation bill. I am paying by master card but I was rejected to make payment yesterday. So today, I will come by the payment office with my brother and try to settle it as fast as possible.She then walked me to my work place where I was introduce to Professor Mike Stark & his co. plus 2 girls from Ngee Ann poly. Later at lunch, we went for lunch together as Singaporeans.. hahaha.. Lab was ok... As it is only the first day, I had much reading to do to catch up. Later today, I maybe able to start the wet-lab on western blotting. The knowledge I gained from ITE and NYP is very handy, but I guess it is never the same as when you do something practical. Let's just hope that it will be just fine..

Till then...

See ya..

To my sayang, I love you and miss you lots..

Scotland...

2009-06-07T22:11:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Hiyee, people..
I am now in Scotland...
It is like 3pm here and 10pm there(in Spore)..

It have been quite tiring...

Nose have been bleeding too coz it is really cold down here, despite it suppose to be summer...
It's temp range from 10-13 degree celcius..

I noe I owe u tons of stories..
But let me try to settle down in here before i go on ok?

Cheers...

Awak, I miss you really lots...

I have less than a week before... Is this wad I shall be carrying with me...

2009-05-30T09:32:00.006+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Hiyee, everyone...

Let me give you some updates yar...

I will be flying off to Scotland soon somewhere next Friday for 3 months..

It is kind of scary coz I will be all alone and I am so so so far away from home...

And yup, we are talking about 3 months here... It is long.. yar... I noe..

I fought with him the other day...

Now, I am wondering should I be letting him go...

I really hope that one fine day, he will be my life partner..

But until then, I guess we will have to learn to overcome our weaknesses...

Awak...

"Thank God, you are leaving.."

"I want to spend more time with my family.."

"I have been accompanying you the whole of one week but I don't complaint.."

Are just too much for me to bear them in my mind to be forgotten...

There is no way that I can ever forget those words...

I just cunt get those words from my brain...

I have long forgiven you, awak...

But I can never forget those words that you say...

The word 'hurt' does not apply here anymore, awak..

It is rather more than that...

Let's give us some time, awak...

Maybe it is good that we shall be away from each other for awhile...

My guess is at least this distance shall cool us a bit..

And maybe, we can always be reminded of all those happy memories again to erase every

unhappy ones...

But I can bet you..I will always carry these happy moments forever, everywhere I go...

Awak..

Trust me... Believe in me... N trust urself and believe in urself...

We will be happy together and built that mosque one day... if we dreamt big and believe it...

I love you awak... from that moment, nearly 4 years ago.... I really do... It never really change..

Only become stronger..

I am sorry too, awak... Coz I cannot forgive and forget but can only forgive you at this moment...

Give me some time, ok... Let's chill for this moment... Let's start back slowly...

Muackh3...

God...this is a real test...

2009-05-28T10:40:00.003+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Another 7 more days and I may be saying goodbye Singapore... Gd bye, my love....

I will be flying to Scotland and will be dere for about 3 months or so on an attachment programme.

But till the day I fly, I guess I will be unsure of what will be outcome...

I guess in terms of love issue... I gotto realised that there are still many weaknesses between me and him..

I am leaving, awak... If dat's wad god wants it to be... But always remember dat u will always be here in my heart always forever...

A true blessing in disguise???

2009-05-02T08:25:00.008+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

This bad gal shall be reporting of why the long silence yar.... A very lame excuse shall be announce but who cares, no one really read it and I don't even think that anybody even bother... Hahaha...

But that is what I like most... To be babbling a lot here but no one really knows and for that I am really thankful as no one dat I noe, may get hurt by my words... Hehehehe....

It had been a hectic life since january.. After the came back of my parents from pilgrimage, I was on my toes like no body business. Be it school, friends or family, I just have to suit into my best for them. Basically, I was very busy, busy, busy.... Hahhaah...

But here is the catch... I gotto noe about some programmes that I can be involved in my 3rd year.

Firstly, I have applied to channel myself into the 'bio-enterprise' stream rather than the usual 'biomanufacturing' or 'R & D'... I know it is weird but I am just trying to widen my horizon by streaming myself there. Really, there is no other particular interest or reason whatsoever...

Secondly, I have tried my luck into getting myself to explore the other side of the world in SCOTLAND to be exact... And yar.... Finally, I will get to go to LONDON... My dream place for ages....

Although slight preparation had been made like I had packed my luggage and bought tickets and british pounds, there is just this feeling of 'lost' now... Now, I am not even sure if I will really get to go there coz there is this pandemic outbreak of lethal flu occuring across the world... I feel that it is so weird and kind of "dejavue".. Each time, I am suppose to be somewhere in thae other part of the world, there will just be something that happen. In 2002/2003, I was suppose to be in East Timor for some First Aid Samanitarian Trip. My departure date was the next day but East Timor declare a 'black code'; a state in which it is not safe to be in. There is just so much violence occuring in the country that my school call it off. Then, somewhere in 2005/06/07, a trip to some part of indonesia was called off due to some instability in the area that we are going. And now, 2009 to Scotland, there is this 'flu' thingy that have took the lives of some.

Now, I wonder am I a jixc....??? hahaha... I guess God just wanna me to stay home... I guess there is some reasons for whatever that had happen, is happening and will happen....

But I do hope that the world will come to peace soon... There is just so many unexpected things occuring that sometimes, I feel scared of what is next...

To all, ku khususkan AL-Fatehaha ini untuk keamanan dan kesejahteraan semua... Amin...

To my sayang..... I LOVE YOU...

2009-01-24T20:15:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

God... I Love Him... N I Miss Him Lots...

It's only have been two days since my parents departs to Mecca (for pilgrimage)... But...

2008-12-05T14:28:00.007+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Hari ini sudah masuk hari yang kedua ku bersendirian tanpa ibu dan bapaku di sisi... Diri ini terasa sangat layu dan tidak bermaya, rasanya.. Ya Allah, berikanlah hambamu ini kekuatan dan ketabahan untuk menhadapi segalanya.. Panjatkanlah doa mereka, Ya Allah.. Selamatkan mereka ketika di rumahmu, Ya Allah.. Berikanlah mereka haji yang mabrul , Ya Allah.. Jauhkan daku dari fitnah dan kuatkanlah imanku dan personalitiku, Ya Allah...

To my sayang..
I am sorry for I know how ackward you feel being around me who seem lost and like an alien to you.. Always remember this sayang, my love 4 you will never die... I just needed some time to 'wif me'... Thank you, sayang.. Muackh3..

When my days are down.... All I could think is how to bring it up...

2008-09-16T09:25:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Saban hari, ku mulai bosan jika ini bakal menjadi lumrah kehidupan kita....
Ku sangka daku dapat bertahan, namun, ku merasakan bahawa jiwaku kekosongan walaupun dikau disisi... Ku terasa jauh di dalam duniaku sedangkan dikau asyik dibendung dalam duniamu... Naluri kita amat berbeza walaupun 2 hati ini berkata satu... Siapakah dirimu? Siapakah diriku? Ku sudah tidak mengenalinya lagi... Terlalu banyak airmata yang mengalir dan terlalu dalam luka ditanggung... Hendak diputuskan perhubungan ini, tidak terdaya rasanya... Namun, mampukah kita bertahan lagi?

Ya Allah, hamba-Mu ini menyerahkan semuanya kepada-Mu...
Mudah-mudahan, dapat di-pertemukan kita jalan yang akan meredakan keadaan kita yang buntu ketika ini...

Amin... Amin, ya rabal-al'lamin.....

The days are nearing soon and it scare me off...

2008-09-08T12:46:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I have been putting some tots over this issues.... And it really scare the hell out of me...
I wonder what's going to happen to me next in my life.... Dere is just so much thing that had happen and had filled my chapter of my life (my past, history)... Now, when I look ahead of me... I am just so 'lost' wad's gonna happen next....

Just to update you a little....
I had lost my aunt who fell to breast cancer somewhere in the month of July...
She was stubborn but I love her...
The vivid memories that I have of her was when she used to take me in for sleep-over @ her place and how protective she was when I was dere....

You noe somehow, I am over the moon coz I feel love....
Not only from the one that I love (my ayang) but the small family and friends that I made out of my nearing 24 years of life.... I dunnoe how life is to be very far away from them....

To my sayang...
Always be ready for the unexpected coz life can be a real "roller-coster" most of the time....
I love u, sayang... Always do and never will my love for you die even when I am underneath.....
Muackh3.....

Wonder why my school have such stringent rules?

2008-07-18T15:35:00.001+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
Sejak-semenjak ini, daku had become a bad gal.. ""Pon-skul" hari selasa lepas.. tapi sebenarnya ku pergi ke tempat dimana ramai teman dan saudara yang ku sayangi, disemadikan.......... Lebih tepat lagi, aku pergi ke pusara... Ku menziarahi perkuburan arwah Z, arwah busu, arwah nana dan akhir sekali meramaikan pengebumian 'kakak' tu... Sayang seribu kali sayang, skul ku tak dapat memahami keadaan itu......

Z.... dah lebih 2 tahun kau meninggalkan kita semua (date of death: 12/07/06)... Confession........ Aku dah tak ingat macam mane rupa mu lagi......... Aku takut kalau kau marah.. Tapi nama mu Z tetap bersanubari di dalam jiwaku..........

Busu, banyak perkara yang berlaku semenjak pemergianmu......... Tapi ku yakin mereka akan dapat mengatasinya tak lama lagi.... Nini, terlalu jauh dari bantuanku... Akan ku cuba... Tapi sukar rasanya............

Ya Allah......... Berikanlah ku ketabahan dalam menghadapi cabaran hidup ini...............

Amin................

Loneliness fills my JULY

2008-07-18T09:48:00.004+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

SOB....SOB...SOB...

Life is tough having to go through crucial moments in life...

Everythings seems to be at a very fast pace that it confuses me...

How I just wish that life can slow down a little ... Arrgghh..

Somehow, I wish that I am a robot that can be turn off/on............

Especially at nights.... Listening to the wind at nite is just no fun no more now....

Life is far better than what I have right now...

I wonder what do I really want?

What will lay ahead for me?

Ouch...It hurts.................

To my sayang..... Love ya...

Just For Today....

2008-03-21T10:54:00.005+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Dear Allah...
It is so happened that today is a public holiday...
I ain't know why but somehow I misses YOU....
I know that I had never been the devoted person that you wanted me to be...
But just for today... Would you please listen to me?....

Dearest Allah....
I love this someone that I hope to be the father of all my child later on in my life...

God, have I not been fair to him?
Have I been bad to him?

I love him lots... Allah...
But at the same time, I hate him lots too...

I ain't sure if what I am doing is right...

Well, they were right... Love is blind....
And..
I am sure that to be blinded by that love, it means that to be hurt is a great feeling afterall...

Allah....
I am not sure if what I feel is normal....

I love him, Ya Allah...
I ain't wanna hurt him....
But as human, that is not a possiblility, isn't it?

Please Allah....
Make our love journey a smoother one....
For ... I hate to be away from him.....
For... I ain't know what will become of me if ever, things were not to be smooth for us....

I love him.... And I love YOU too.....

Ya Allah...

Thank you.....

I know YOU will always be there to listen to me.......

Thank you....... Thank you so much....

17/01/2008...

2008-01-17T10:48:00.002+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Thank you, sayang... One thing for sure is this... I can never thank you enuf...

Ayang... I had realised something....

2007-11-28T10:00:00.001+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

First of all, let me say my gratitude to have you as my partner in my current life. My life would be different and so 'lost' without you.... Dear, you would not know how much you meant to me... But for sure, my memories with you are not meant for trade nor it will ever be off my guard.... For, I love you more than I love myself... I care for you more than I care for myself... I need you more than how much I think I needed you.... I just love you too much, sayang... And I will never know how long will it take for me to kill that love if ever things were to be ugly.... Thus, thank you....

Al-Fatehah....

Busu,

Kenangan bersama mu selalu menghantui jiwaku...

Kapan malam, tidurku tak lena dek mengingati kata2mu...

Busu,

Peninggalanmu terlalu sukar untuk ku terima,

Namun, ku redha akan itulah kehendak-Nya....

Busu,

kenapa baru sejenak kita dapat mengenali antara satu sama lain...

Banyak lagi yang ingin ku layari akan jiwamu....

Tetapi kini, segala sejarahmu terkubur dengan jasadmu...

Busu,

Ku pohon ampun dan restu agar dapat ku meneruskan sisa2 kehidupanku kini...

Ku tahu daku mengecil tanpa sebab...

Dan ku tahu dikau juga sedar akan kenyataan itu...

Tapi busu,

Ku tidak berdaya untuk mendustai diri ini,

Daku takut jika ditemukan keterangannya...

Mampukah aku melawannya...

Kerna ternyata, dikau juga tewas di medan perangmu...

Lalu, di mana harus aku cari contoh untuk ku maju kehadapan dan lalu menewaskannya...

Busu,

Engkau terlalu memanjakanku sampai ku terlalu cenggeng sekarang...

Engkau membuatkan ku tidak berdaya untuk melawan lagi...

Busu,

Maafkanku,

Kerna baru sekarang, ku dapat tangkap maksudmu...

Benar....

Januari terlalu menghayati akan kebenaran kisah hidupmu dan juga kisah hidupku....

Setiap kali ku mendengar lagu itu,

Setiap kali juga, aku akan teringat akan dirimu...

Ku baru sedar yang ternyata kau akan meninggalkan kami pada Januari lalu dan telah pun kau melakukan demikian...

Busu,

Ku amat merinduimu...

Ku telah menemui teman hidupku, busu...

Dan daku yakin jika temanku ini akan menjadi bapa kepada anak2ku...

Tapi ku tetap merinduimu...

Busu,

Aku lelah...

Aku tidak terdaya lagi...

Aku mahu bersamamu....

Temanilah ku dalam mimpiku....

Ku takut keseorangan...

Ku takut menghadapinya....

Ku tahu dikau lebih mengetahui...

Berikanlah ku tunjuk ajarmu...

Ku rindu saat bersama2 denganmu....

Al-Fatehah....

A wake from the "death"...

2007-10-06T14:29:00.001+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Hiyee,pple... I am back.... remember dat i told u yesterday that I had to do this 'tilt test' thingy... Guess wad?! I was monitered by this young male doctor named, Dr. Ariel... He mentioned that I am cool, the test was negative, meaning i don't 'passed out' due to some heart related problem... Now, I just have to wait for wad is next?

The thing is this... I don't care about wad is the 'verdict' but most importantly is, I have to be springing back on my feet soon coz I am needed by many and I cunt afford to feel lethargic most of the time.... Hahaha...

Pple, do pray for me okay.... Pray that they can figure out wad is wrong with my health soon.... I wanna feel better... I wanna gain some weight as soon as possible... And of course, i wanna make him not worried no more...

To my sayang.... It's gonna be another few more days and I just wanna say that I love you, awak.. Tiada lainnya....

Here we go...

2007-10-05T14:12:00.001+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Last monday, the 1st of October, Childrens' Day was the day that I had another review with regards to the last time when I wasn't that well... Upon reporting for the appt., i was sent for an ECG... Hanifah was with me and she was saying "Kak, ini ape? Kenapa ECG kau mcm lain aje?"... I didn't bother to explain much coz I too was a bit taken a back by the result.. Then, my no flash... 1111... We entered the room and was greeted by Dr. Ong, a cardiologist.. He kept asking me questions dat were merely going after something dat got to do with my sleeping pattern and neuro and dats very,very weird. Apparently, the doctor at SATA had written dis particular famous doctor named T.K.S and for that I was sent for another appointment to meet TKS and do a tilt test... Funnily, he ended our appt by asking me, "Do you need to see me again? Actually, I was wondering "why do i have to see you?"?" I noe, it's weird... Even hanifah aka kakak wasn't that please... Hehehe... But wadever... I need to get to the bottom of this health issue.. It's driving me nuts, esp. when pple keep saying that i lose weight.. Hahaha.. Btw, i weight 36.4kg now...

This is it... Today is 5th October 2007...
I dun tink dere is anything special on this day but yeah, i got an important test to go for in about 2 hours time... The test is called the 'tilt test'...

Wad will happen to me is... Let me explain as how it was explain to me on last monday.... There will be 3 phases to it. 1st phase: I will be strap on a bed and be in an upright position... A technician will den record my carotid pulses LEFT & RIGHT.. 2nd phase: an ECG will monitor me and simultaneously, the 3rd phase will take place: some medicine dat will make my heart pump fast will be injected into me via an i.v. This test will last for about an hour or faster depending on my condition...

Hehehe... Seriously, actually, I do feel fine at times but only very,very tired... And yeah, it is pretty obvious dat i lost weight but where do they go... I dun noe and I need to find out as how He wanted me too...

Love you... Miss you.... Al-fatehah khas untuk mu Busu...

Awak... Saya tak boring atau marah pada awak... Cuma, saya dah tak tahu macam mana nak luahkan perasaan cinta saya pada awak... 'Love is Cinta... Cinta is Love....' Love you lots and missing you every moment of my life.... Sayangmu senantiasa...muackh3....

My skool holz......

2007-09-25T13:09:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Dear all...
Selamat menyambut bulan Ramadhan...
I know i am a bit slow coz today is already the 13th day of Ramadhan..
But what to do?!... I had been very busy... If you wanna noe, even while i am typing this blog, Ayun is sleeping on my lap... hehehe..

Nowadays, I am having school holidays and will be out of skol until the 15th of October...
Hahaha... A very long 6 weeks vacation but apparently, it wasn't really the kind of holidays that i would expect... coz i have to wake up early to have my pre-dawn meal (syahur) and after which i am either off to work or to my bro's hm @ punggol... i will only be back hm after 8pm daily on weekdays... hahaha... and i am not doing my leisure kind of things, mind you... It's either I am perfoming my duty as a public servant for 12hrs or be the 'nanny' to my 2 nieces and 1 nephew... They are handful,i must say... I called them the "Siamese twins" coz they do behave like one... Hahaha... If one sleep, all would sleep. If one cries, all would cry and it would be like choir....

It's gonna be my 23th birthday soon... Somehow, i thank god for it fall on a weekend and i could be released of my duty for a day... hehehe... I noe i dun usually like to celebrate my bdae but dis year, i would love to do something different... Something that i have not done for a very long time... Pampering myself.... I love to do that during my younger days.... hehehe... Now, i am a bit old but yeah, why not...?!

Hey, guys... Can you like help me?
It has been almost a month and a half that i have been looking for this particular antique pendant from silver-wear shops but they dun seem to have it... A lot of my nyp fren suggested that i look out these stuffs from antique shops but den... I really dun have the time to go out and find that shop.. Please tell me the address of the shop the next time you spot it can? Please.... Ok.. I am looking for 2 identical pendants that you can open and store pix in it.... I wanna place some pix in dere and put them in a time capsule... Tell me where, ok?

My darling wanted to place the ring that had been hangging around my neck for the past nearing a year back on my finger... Isn't that fantastic? Hehehe... I love him yar... Dun make him suffer and drop any tear ok.... I beg you, God... Dun make him cry... Even if things were not to turn out dat great... But the thing is people, nope... the ring is still around my next... I would love for it to be on my finger but I think I will wait till the day, he put it on willingly, w/o having any second tots.. Sayang, with or w/o the ring on my finger, you had always stay deep down in my soul dat i dunno wad i'll do w/o u... Believe it or not, u are my one and only and i will never trade you for someone nor something else... I love you, sayang.... I just do... No reasons, wat so ever.... My only question is will you still be mine after all these years? I noe i will wait for u... but will u? It's gonna be a very long time... I am scared, awak... Dun leave me just as yet, ok? Let me try to forget every thing first if u wanna leave me...

When comes to this year ramadhan, i am tot back of my late uncle... To busu sayang, ku kususkan al-fatehah ini untuk mu.. Amin...

To my heart, you are still needed to finish soem unsettle issues... so dun stop... not as yet... I need you to live on so dat, i can live on to see 'HIM' happy...

Btw, i am proud to say that all of us who got into poly had survived our very 1st hurdle of the leap... Everyone is doing good and i am happy for that... Keep it up, people... Ci'ayo.....

Ayang... I love you forever... I like you for always... As long as I am living, my lover, you'll be....

4th September 2007

2007-09-04T09:54:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Dear ALL...
Jus wanna say all the best and stay funky yar...
Dun miss me too much okay and pray for me...

I will be away to Perak from Friday onwards... Should be back by Sunday, hopefully...

Hehehe.. It is an unexpected trip for me from my aunty.. Coz she is paying for it w/o my knowledge..

Thus, it will be a long get-away for me and her together...

Pple...
I have 101 things to update u pple... But i dun think i have the time nor strenghts to cover all...
Recently, my old ailment is getting back at me... And yar, i have to pay the hospital anotehr visit again.. This time to the cardiologist.. they suspect that my heart have a little problem.. Oh well, it have always been only I? always neglect it.. My darling said that i am just too tired that's all.. Oh sayang, how i hope that that is the reason for my lethargicness but apparently, deep down me, i noe it isnt.. If only, i noe wad it is...

My sayang cried the other day.. I scared him off, he said.. He asked me where did i go just now... Well, this was what happen? We were talking about some stuffs and i hugged him and the next thing i knew, i was flat on the bench.. He said i slept for 5 minutes and he had trouble waking me up... The thing is i only remember hugging him but not sleeping... Though, den i do feel tired...

Oh,well.. The appointment is 1st oct.. Chidrens' Day.. The day i usually celebrate my bdae... This year a bit special.. I shall hear the verdict with regards to my health... Hahaha..

On last sunday,I became panda next after him.. I got an allergic reaction or infection to the eyes... Look like robin moving about wif large dark glasses..

My wish sayang...Is just to stay in your arms if i were to go.... Love you... Muackh3....

Hahaha... Wad a life...

2007-08-22T12:49:00.001+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

I noe... I noe.. It had been long ever since I blog and to be frank, I even had a little prob just now.. I can't gain access to my own blog coz I had forgotten my passward and id... Hehehe... Dat reallly showed how long i had not been blogging..

Yeah2... Pple.. I am feeling blue today.. It is not coz i m gonna bag another "F" for my maths again 2morrow.. But feeling blue coz i am missing every one dat i noe.. Even him, my darling... When actually, i was with him for at least 3 hours long yesterday...

I dunnoe but lately, my feeling miss for everybody is growing stonger by day.. It is as if today is the last time that I would see them ever again..

God.. Pls..
Not now..
I noe i had been neglecting U, my own health and life as a whole..

But u noe wad were my reasons...

I feeel dat i dislike myself 2day...

I better dun go on..
I shall not let u hear I drool over this..

Wish me luck yar..

Let me go and find my 'soul'..

Pray 4 me...

I am going back to my cave..

Ciow...

Sayang... Kehadiranmu membawa lembaran baru bagiku... Ku amat menyayangi mu....

Dlm hidupku, adakah yang menyayangi...

2007-05-18T17:43:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Cinta bagai suatu mimpi yang nyata untuk mereka yang telah menemuinya... Bagiku memadailah jika ku bertemankan mereka yang menyayangi... Sungguhpun banyak yang perlu ku perbaiki namun ku pasti perasaan ini adalah apa yang dinamakan "cinta"... Ku berjumpa "cinta" di sini.. Tempat di mana ku tidak tahu bagaimana ku dapat berteguh menghadapi segala apa yang mendugaiku... Ku menemui si "dia", si jantung hatiku... Apapun yang ingin ku katakan... Sedarlah wahai semua, kerna kadang-kala disebalik senyuman teselit sebuah luka yang perit..... Ku tidak pasti namun ku dapat merasakan bahwa ada yang kekurangan dalam perhubungan ku dengan si dia.. Ku cuba berterus terang tapi ku takut dia terluka... Ternyata ku tidak mampu melihat linangan air matanya apa lagi kalau melihat titisan air matanya.. Ku yakin "dia"lah yang terakhir untukku tapi ku tidak yakin jika diri ini mampu untuk melayani dirinya yang masih mudah dan cergas dalam kehidupannya kini.. Haruskah ku terus berahsia dan melukainya pada hari kemudian atau perlukah ku berterus terang sekarang dan melihat kekecewaannya detik ini... Ku tidak terdaya.. Ku terlalu capek... Ku hanya mahukan ketenangan.. Ku tidak sanggup melukakan hati orang lain lagi, apa lagi si "dia"... Oh Tuhan... Berikanlah aku ketenagan minda, hati dan jiwa... Sempurnakanlah sisa hidup ku ini... Janganlah Engkau biarkan aku terus menggecewakan mereka yang menyayangi... Ku terasa diri ini sungguh terhina... Jangan biarkan ku terus begini.. Temuikanlah ku kecekalan demi mengharungi detik sukar ini....

Harap awak menghayati curahan lembaran ini... Sayang..... Tiada yang lain.. Hanya awak seoranglah "Raja" hati ini... Maaflah jika awak terasa tersinggung dengan kelakonan dan kata2 saya yang tidak sedikit pun disenggajakan.... Kerna dlm hidup saya, ianya kepunyaan awak............. Muackh3....

2007-05-03T21:19:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Guess wat? I am taken ill again...
Ever wonder wad happen to me?
Well, went to see a doctor yesterday...
I shocked the medical personels dere by my sudden pale looking condition..
Hey, dey shocked me too yar...
Dey wanted me in the hospital but den i kind of resisted and we compromised dat i cum by the clinic 2morrow...
Let's wait n c wat dey have to say...
My heart is too weak to keep up wif my active life pace, I guess...
Hahahaha...
Am tired...
Had to to contented to CRIB unnaturally, u noe... (Complete rest in bed)
Juz to ensure dat i can put up a strong front to my family...
Dey aint noe anything abt dis yet...
Hehehe...
Usual me...
But dun worry guys...
I will be back...
If not, den i shall haunt u all...
Hahaha...
Pray for me yeah...
Thank u...

To my dearest, i can never change myself dear... Only situation n time will proved everything........ Love u lots...........

Who am I....? What am I to them....? Haiz...

2007-04-09T12:43:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

"Have u ever heard of others saying that life is short so u shld treasure every waking moment of it?"

Well, dis is wat i can comment...

Life is too short to mend all d little things dat u always wanna do all ur life...
I personally wld love to hv sum tyme 2 myself bt den..
There is no opportunity yet...

And dats bad...
It is eating my peace....
It made me rot...
And i do wonder when will b the day when it ends...

Why do humans hv 2 think n feel abt wat is surrounding dem?
Why cun dey jz mind their own business n tk cr of other feeling n privacy?

Sayang.... Saya dah tau reason diaorg... Bt lets stick 2 our own thinking... Lols... Miz ya...

Lakonanku bakal berhenti....

2007-04-03T09:08:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Haha...
Ku ingin ketawakan diri ini...

Kenapa dan Mengapa?

Kerna...
Akhirnya, "rahsia" yang telah sekian lama terpendam bakal dibongkar tanpa kerelaannya...
Hahaha...

Aku tidak perlu berpura2 lagi...
Aku tidak perlu berlakon lagi...
Segala2-nya bakal membentangkan segala apa yang ku ingin tahu selama ini...

Aku bukannya seorang yang cenggeng dan aku bukan seseorang yang mudah mengaku kalah..
Bahkan, semua orang tahu yang di dalam kamus hidupku, ianya tiada isthilah "penat"...
Ku akan berjuang dan berkorban segalanya untuk mencapai kebahagiaan.. Kebahagiaanku bukan hanya untuk nikmatku seorang tapi bagi mereka yang ku hormati dan ku sayangi...
Bagiku, hidupku tidak akan pernah sempurna tanpa mereka yang kukasihi...

Tetapi kini...
Ku sedar...
Ku bakal melukakan hati ramai...
Ku terpaksa menyerah kalah akan keadaanku yang tidak lagi berdaya..
Kalaupun, ku terpaksa..
Ku rela..
Bencilah diri ini wahai kesayanganku..
Agar ku bisa sedar dan bangkit bagi berjuang untuk hidup...
Percayalah walaupun lidah berkata benci namun hatiku tetap berkata sayang...
Tiada apa yang harus kau ragui akan keikhlasanku dalam menyayangimu..

Ku tidak sanggup dan tidak mahu melihat kau menderita akan kehilanganku..
Ambillah masa ini...
Jemuhilah diri ini..
Kerna..
Perlahan2..
Diri ini akan ghaib dari ingatanmu..

Percayalah...
Aku tidak pernah membencimu..
Aku hanya sangat menyayangimu...
Cuma satu pintaku..
Jika terjadi sesuatu pada diriku, ku mohon ampun dan maaf..
Dan jalanilah kehidupanmu seperti mana yang kau impikan...
Ku memberi sokongan padu diibelakangmu...

Sesuatu yang tidak dapat aku elakkan berlaku sejak semenjak ini..
Sedarkah kalian..
Bahawa diri ini seperti mengecut setiap hari....?!
Bahawa penglihatanku mengabur tanpa mengenal masa dan bersebab..
Bahawa daya ingatanku seperti mereka yang nyanyuk..
Bahawa gerak-geriku terbatas kerna keletihan terasa sampai ke hujung rambut..

Tapi keletihan ini tidak dapat meragut jiwaku... Tidak hairan bukan...?!

Dan tahukah kamu bahawa kesakitannya terlalu ngilu sampai ku rasa bahawa cara terbaik untuk mengubatinya ialah dengan tidur selamanya...?!

Ku tidak pernah mengambil endah akan keperitan dan kesakitan yang ku rasa selama ini..
Tetapi... Sekarang...
Ku tidak berdaya untuk berlawan lagi..
Cukuplah 13 tahun ku bertahan...
Kini, sudah sampainya aku mengakhiri zaman 'rahsiaku'..
Biarlah aku menguburi kehidupan lama dan merawat jasad ini..
Biar yang baru terlahir menjadi penegak perjuanganku... Ku tidak boleh menjanjikan apa2.. Namun, yang pasti.. Kepulanganku nanti bakal membawa sesuatu yang istimewa...

Sayang, sayang sayang sayang... Jangan sesekali awak meraguinya....

Cuaca Hari Ini...

2007-03-22T09:59:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
Cuaca Hari Ini...
Seperti biasa, ku bangun dikejutkan diringan telefon...
Setiap hari, nada deringan "my heart", membuat hatiku melonjak untuk menjawab panggilan itu...
Ku pasti akan siapakah geranggan pemanggilnya..
Walaupun hanya sekadar teman biasa....
Ku tahu hati ini hanya dimilikiNya...

Cuaca Hari Ini...
Hari ini, ku tidak pasti akan apakah perasaannya...
Namun...
Yang pasti...
Hari ini cuacanya cerah...
Seperti juga jiwaku...

Oh teman...
Janganlah kau menyalah tafsirkan kata2ku...
Aku sangat menghargai kehadiranmu di dalam setiap saat hidupku...

Cuaca Hari Ini...
Kau ibarat cuaca hari ini..
Yang...
Cerah...
Nyaman...
Berangin...
Tiada panas mahupun basah...

Kau..
Segalanya...
Penyeri hari2ku...

Terima kasih...

Wahai teman....

Ku amat menyayangi mu...
Percayalah....

Sejak Mengenali Dirimu....

2007-03-19T09:53:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
Sejak Mengenali Dirimu....
Aku seperti dipukau...
Segala gejalahmu ku ikutkan...
Ku bukan menyerah menjadi "mak sanggup"...
Tapi ku terasa terhibur dengan adanye mu sebagai teman...
Tuhan...
Mengapa Kau membuat aku menemui dirinya?
Sekarang...
Bagaimana?...
Apa yang harus aku lakukan?
Ku tahu dan ku sedar penghujungnya sudah hampir...
Tapi mampukah aku menerimanya....
Berikanlah aku ketenangan....

Sayang, Saya sayang Awak....

Hanya Doa sebagai Penganti Diri...

2007-03-05T14:19:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Diri ini terasa begitu penat sekali...
Ingin membawa diri...
Tapi ke mana...
Tanpa arah tujuan...
Kehidupan ini hanya bagai tempat untuk berduka...
Apakah ada makna kehidupan yang sebenar...
Siapakah kita sebenarnya...
Apa adakah keikhlasan dan kejujuran dalam kehidupan ini...
Ku seperti buta dengan kewujudpannya...

Ku hanya mampu berdoa...
Berdoa agar tersebar kesempurnaan dalam diri....
Terluang kasih bagi sesiapa yang sudi...

Yang ku mampu..
Hanya Doa...
Hanya Doa sebagai Penganti Diri...

Kau lah segalanya...

2007-03-01T18:23:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Ya Tuhan..
Mengapa ujianmu begitu mendalam...
apa cintaku ini sia2..
sayang mengapa kau seperti tidak memperdulikanku lagi..
apakah aku tidak bermakna padamu lagi..
Ku keliru..
Apa maksud kata2 dan aksi2mu...
siapakah aku sayang..
Ku harap ku bukan hanya boneka permainan utk mu...
Sayang...
apa lagi...
Kenapa..
Jgn tinggalkan ku...
Ku sangat menyayangi mu..
Ku rindu akan mu...

Hanya Untuk Mu...

2007-02-17T18:08:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Keindahan alam semula jadi adalah keajaibanNya..
Siapa kita untuk menyangkal akan kebesaranNya...
Kau dan aku hanya sesama insan...
Bukankah insan tidak leka dari kesilapan...

Sayang...
Ku bukan tidak percaya akan kata2 mu...
Ku tahu kau memiliki hati dan diri ini...
Sedarkah kau akan keikhlasanku...

Sayang...
Mengapakah dalam perduniaan cinta kita...
Asyik dilanda tomahan...
Dimanakah letaknya kesilapan kita...

Sayang...
Kerna masa....
Kita akan berubah ataupun tidak...
Kerna masa...
Kita bakal berpisah ataupun kekal bersama...
Kerna masa...
Umur meningkat, tiada tidaknya...
Kerna masa...
Hidup kita tak akan kekal keadaannya, itu pasti...
Dan itu semua kerna masa....

Sayang...
Apa yang harus aku lakukan...
Haruskah aku menempah maut...
Haruskah aku mencela Tuhan...
Bukankah kita sama2 terpaut...
Bukankah kita pernah melafazkan kesediaan untuk bersama...

Sayang...
Tiada lagi yang lainnya...
Hanya mu sayang...

Kaulah Segalanya................... Bagi Ku....................................................

Lost another friend thru death...

2007-01-30T11:55:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)....

Hiyee...
Wat's up?
Hope u guys doing okay...

I had a fantastic start in this new year...

Studies...
It is fine but have more room for improvement though.

Love...
My love life been great as a start...
Had lots of free time spending just with 'HIM'..
Though i know, we are just friends but i do really cherish those moments together...
I am kind of building a castle in the air..
Thinking of making a big family with Him and just only Him...
Hehehe...
He had been there for me and very closely with me mind ya...
Hahaha...
Am looking forward on the 14th..
It is not just becoz dat it is Valentines' Day but...
Hehemmm..
It is a special day for me...
I had been looking forward for every 14th of the month since last October...
Something happen...

Family...
I never wanna change them in the way they are now...
Soon, I will have 3 little devils clinging around my neck every minutes...
Qurratul is going to get a little bro/sis somewhere in 4 months time and a cousin to compliment the addition of my family...

Friends...
They are just so very supportive and understanding that i wish that i could stay longer to know them more......................

27th January....
My sick uncle left Us at 1000hrs...
I had lost another best friend who knows most of my little secret...
Now, i am lost....
Got no where to share my ddepest thoughts with anymore...
His last words was "Dun shed any tears for me.."
Duh... Tell me who could do that...
I love him...
I really do..
I am so sorry...
I have no answer to all of oyur questions and i cun relief u of ur misery while u are alive then...
I am so so so very sorry, BUSU.....
Love you lots....
A little prayer just for you...
Hope you a r comfortable in ur new home...
Dun worry...
Soon, we'll be united again...
Till then...
Al-Fatehah....
Ahmad bin Bedu...
24/07/1959 - 27/01/2007.........
My BUSU is had gone home Now..................................

December posting...

2006-12-10T14:31:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Hiyee...
I know...
You pple must be wondering where i had gone to...

I m around only very busy nowadays...
Having a test on Tuesday...
And running to places to please many people around me as usual..
Hehehe...
Playing my fav. role as the fairy god-mother, the well-wisher..

It seems that i have lots to write today...
But they just seem to slip out of my mind..
So catch you pple around...

Miss you all... Tk cr...

To my SAYANG,
I LOVE YOU.....

A little longer can?!?!!!

2006-11-27T23:51:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

A family member had just spill out a bit of what had happened to him recently..
To many, they are happy but to some, they are not..
But what exactly happen, i wonder...
Why should it result in that manner...?
Don't God created human with brains?
Can't they see what is right and what is wrong?
What's wrong with this people?
Why fall for the trap?
I just don't get it..
Everything seems so cruel..
I guess I am too old for this anymore..
I am sick n tired of playing this game...
I just want to sleep..
Please....
Let me just sleep....
Sleep is all that I want to do...
Please let me just have that...
Please....
Oh, God...
Please have mercy on Us all.....
And just take me to my deep sleep..
I think I would feel better dat way...
....ZzZzZzzzZZZZzzzzz........................

Can I sleep?!?

2006-11-26T08:17:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Guess wat?!?
I took lots of photos yesterday...
Hahaha..
I think I just have to give in to Him and them....
But..
To all who knows me...
Make full use of this opportunity wisely coz the time is running out...
And when the time is up, you know you wont get it any more...
Hehehe..

For the past few days this week,
I am feeling very sentimental..
A bit harsh on my words, however..
But I dun mean it that way though..
I just want everyone around me to learn to be more iNdEpEnDEnT...
Do have faith in your own self...
You are not fighting your battle all by yourself..
God is ALWAYS beside you..
And the prayers from ALL those who Loves you are your Guidance...
Aand all dat.. are EVERLASTING coz I believe in HIM...
And for every GOOD intention, it will come good to a person..

I am just very tired...
I just want others to run the show now..
I just wanna sleep all day long...
Just sleep...
Sleep..
And sleep...

Lots of LOVES, HUGS and KISSES..
~eRBk...

Thank you.. My love...

2006-11-20T07:22:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

To my love... Thank you.. You made my life more lively...

I had never thought that life would turn out to be this way...

Thank you...

And thank you god...

For everything....

Hahaha... To laugh, to love or to cry...

2006-11-16T22:03:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
I kind of crazy for the past few days...
Have not been myself...
I guess being ill make me feel dat way, yeah..
But getting better now, even though the attacks will make me flat every now and then...

Hahaha..
Someone said that maybe my deep bottled feelings are eating on me rite now..
But i aint think so.. Neah.. It is not it...
Stress...
Hehe..
I guess the amount of stress i m having is not something dat i cant handle..
So chill, dats not it either..

I dont know..
Maybe i just need to really get away from my present life and heed the docs advice to rest..
And i really mean to REST....

I scared many people with my lethargicness...
I even scared myself too.. Hehehe..
But i do believe dat there is nothing for anyone to be worried about...
Because...
I will definitely pay the docs another visit if i dun feel better soon..

I do feel tired though..
Feel like wanna sleep all day long w/o waking up..
Wanna do just dat....
At about...
Now....

Hahaha...
NiteZ...
Love you, sayang....

Muackh.....

God.. Please heal me soon...

2006-11-09T06:26:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Recently, i had a relapse... The pain is extreme excruciating.. Hate it...
But yeah, it is back and i tink dis time ard, it will stay for a bit longer... Coz.. It is very bad, even till now...
I m waiting for Friday... My god-mum will sent me to c a doc. But until then, have to tahan a bit ah...
Hahaha... I kinna of a shape of a shrimp now, trying to hold on..
D thing is, sorry ah i type dis in malay.. Org kata, "Klau sakit, dosa boleh kurang sikit..."
So, let me b sick 4 a while, k...

To all my pals and Sayang,
Dun worry, this pain will pass very soon.. It will be over even b4 u noe it...

GTG...

To U noe who...
Bon voyage... Will miss ya...
Lots Of Luv, Kisses and Hugs.....

blank.....

2006-11-03T07:03:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

To those of you who are going to step into another chapter of your life....
Wishing you all the best of lucks...
Life is not that bad after all...
Really...
If you are positve about it....

My, my, my....

2006-11-02T07:12:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

The fact is this… in love where the matter of the heart is concern; there is no turning back… I didn’t realized that it came to soon… I was clapping my hand all by myself at one time, and then he came and gave me a kiss on my forehead. His thin lips and wet kiss is all that lingered in my mind… For a long time in my single-hood, that was what I was awaiting for… Finally, my lover is clapping with me… But that’s not the end… He had to leave again. This time, I don’t know for how long… It is just so confusing… He is PERFECT in my eyes… He holds the key of my HEART, my LIFE…

To my lover, please be strong. Let’s fight these battles together… As much as I don’t want to hurt you, I know you won’t want too either… I never doubt your love for me… But convince me that I am really the one that you want to forget the world with… Coz you are the ONE…. You are my FRIEND first... My Lover 4ever…

I love U 4ever, I like U 4 always and as long as I am breathing, My LOVER, you will be…

To love someone, at times, you just have to let him go......OMG........

2006-11-02T06:57:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

To my dearest, I found you, I lose you, found you and lose you time and again...
But I won't give you up DAT EASILY...
You are too dearest for me...
I have never doubt YOU and your capabilities the last time and even NOW...
Aren't you strong before?
Didn't YOU said that you will fight on?
I know it is very tiring trying after awhile..
But dun give up.. At least, Not to yourself.. Dun give up...
Life is like a jigsaw puzzle.. One day, you would find that missing part and I really hope that I could be the who to help you find that missing piece..
I promise I won't be too demanding to be that piece but at least let me find you that piece...

Just dun give up... Please, I am begging you..
Oh God, give us STRENGHT... PLEASE.. GOD... PLEASE...

Time will prove everything...

today... today... today...

2006-11-01T22:38:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Ya Allah, ya Tuhanku,Ampunilah dosa2ku,Ampunilah dosa kedua ibubapaku,Ampunilah dosa kedua orang abang serta kakak2 iparku...Ampunilah dosa saudara-maraku sama ada yg se-Ugama dgnku mahupun yg sedarah dgnku, Sama ada yg masih hidup mahupun yg telah kembali kepadaMu Ya Allah... Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku ini adalah hambaMu yg daif ya Allah,Maka Kau berkatilah hidupku ini,Berikanlah aku ketenangan Minda,Berikanlah aku ketenangan Jiwa Dan Kau berikanlah aku ketenangan Hati...Sesungguhnya kau lebih mengetahui apa yg tersirat di dalam hati ini,Maka yg baik, Kau redhailah ia dan dekatilah ia bagi perbuatanku,Maka jika ianya jahat, Kau jauhilah ia dari perbuatanku, Ya Allah...

Remember these prayer.... I had addition to them... wanna noe?! hahaha..

Ya Allah, ku sangat menyayangi dirinya...
Sesungguhnya, jika memang kami ditakdirkan untuk bertemu dan bersama,
Kau restuilah perhubungan kami dan panjangkanlah jodoh kami..
Cintaku ikhlas terhadapnya...
Ku tak sanggup berpisah dengan nya..
Ku tak mahu melihat dia menderita..
Ya Allah..
Jika memang kehendakMu untuk kami berpisah,
Kau berikanlah kami kekuatan untuk menempuhi cabaran hidup ini..
Ku sangat menyintai dirinya...
Janganlah Kau melukai dirinya...
Selamatkanlah dia dari bala bencana, musuh, kemalangan yang tak dapat dielakkan..
Kau ampunilah dosa2 kami..
Kau berikanlah kami ketenangan minda, ketenangan jiwa dan ketenangan hati...
Sesungguhnya, Ku sangat menyayanginya, Ya Allah...

Rabana, rabana, rabana, fiduniyah.. Wal'akhirati hasana.. Waqina'azabanar...
Wassallahhu'ala wassahbihi wassalam.. Walhamdulillahirrabbil' alamin...

late..late..late..

2006-09-27T08:55:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
I aam going to be lateeeeeee.. But before I rush off.. Just wanna say that I miss u lots of people....

ohh.. my gosh...

2006-09-26T18:02:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Hiyee pple...
Chak.. Chak... Chak...
I am back now...
Juz got myself a laptop yesterday in courtesy of my bro.. He sold it off to me for 300 bucks...
Not bad.. Considering dat I may spoil dis laptop too..

There are lots of catching up if I were to type all dat had happen to me for the past few months.. But who cares...
Juz last Tuesday, my 'almost dead' uncle broke me a news.. His cancer is back and it is pretty obvious dat he had given up hope... I knew since the day dat I received the call to say dat he was ill, he is in the worst condition... I had prepared myself for the worst the last time but as he grew stronger and stronger daily for months, i tot he will be who he was.. But i was wrong... Now, i am afraid to get any news about him.. I love him tooo muchhh... I lost quite a handful of my inspritations (friends and family members) this year.. Please god... Dun take him now... Coz if he goes, i only noe dat my time will be up too, soon.. And it will be even shorten if my father's sis goes next...

What a year it will be this year... Hey, look at the time now... I need to wash my face n get ready to face them (my beloved family)....

My Daily Prayer.....

2006-08-13T06:15:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Guess where am I now?! I am at work, I m finishing my 3rd day nite shift dat wll end in 1/2hrs time from now.. To all who noes me, they noe dat I had never worked nite shift b4 in my career here as a SCREENER @ CGH, so it is sure is really SURPRISING... In fact, one of my ex-working buddy actually made a special trip to visit me at work today juz to be certain dat it is really me dat is working.. HAhaha, weird isn't it? I noe.. I noe..

The thing is dis... I dun seem to be myself ever since I hit 21... I kinna of living in a 'WORLD' dat I dun even noe its existance.. Can u believe it?... Erina, the one who always have the solution to every obstacles in her life is really "BLANK"... Giving in to wat may come along the way w/o any objection... I have really toned down to the extend dat I dun even bother if it may hurt me along the way.... If u cant believe it, so can't I....

A lot of things happened dat open up my mind ever since 1st of January 2006... Physically, I am worned out... But nevertheless, I think I had managed to put up a good show ... I did quite a wonder.... Lots of things dat I never tot dat I will do, I did and I did fantastically.... And rite now, I am juz waiting for the rite moment to let my inner self have its rest... When? I m nt sure... But I noe dat it is coming... And when it arrives, I am sure to be a very happy n Lucky of course... I m content wif wat I have and I wont want to trade nor change it for watever price it may come wif..... All of u r part of my life thus thank u all for making my life dis colorful....

Ya Allah, ya Tuhanku,
Ampunilah dosa2ku,
Ampunilah dosa kedua ibubapaku,
Ampunilah dosa kedua orang abang serta kakak2 iparku...
Ampunilah dosa saudara-maraku sama ada yg se-Ugama dgnku mahupun yg sedarah dgnku, Sama ada yg masih hidup mahupun yg telah kembali kepadaMu Ya Allah...

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku ini adalah hambaMu yg daif ya Allah,
Maka Kau berkatilah hidupku ini,
Berikanlah aku ketenangan Minda,
Berikanlah aku ketenangan Jiwa
Dan Kau berikanlah aku ketenangan Hati...

Sesungguhnya kau lebih mengetahui apa yg tersirat di dalam hati ini,
Maka yg baik, Kau redhailah ia dan dekatilah ia bagi perbuatanku,
Maka jika ianya jahat, Kau jauhilah ia dari perbuatanku, Ya Allah...

National Day....

2006-08-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
Thank god... For watever dat may happen... Though there were a few heart trobbing stories but i guess let me just keep it for a while... When the time is rite, i will tell u all... at the mean time, let me mend dis bleeding heart and soul...

2006-05-30T13:39:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Hehehe... it has been a awhile ever since my last entry... how have u guys been doing? great i guess... well, i am not dat well for the past few weeks coz i have dis giddy spell... some of my pals even asked if i m pregnant... neah... it is negative... tg... like real erina... hahahaha... i dun noe maybe it is juz d weather dat is not so on my side or more to.. my liking if i may say it... i made one particular person in my class extemely worried the other day... he is extreme concern about my health dat he became ill too over it... hahaha... it is weird but it is touchy... wish him speedy recovery though... everyone around me seem to be sick nowadays... so ppl... take ur vit.C and replenish urself wif lots of fluids yeah... remember my dying uncle... he is so much better in the sense dat his quality of life has increase... hip2 hurray... but dats not the end of the agony for my family... my aunt from my daddy side is now down... she is different however.. she cant accept reality and running away from it.. she refused to go for futher treatment.. gtg...

2006-03-24T13:10:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
Gee.... 2 more days and the last hurdle in my 1st year in this course will end...
Maths and GM.... 2 papers but the stress is wow... wonderful... But no matter what I will take my own sweet time to do my revisions... It may look last minute but I am juz being me.... The last minute gal... Most of friends have started theirs and in fact some have almost finish theirs but i have not even started any as yet... I guess I am still looking for my mood still.... And once I am there, there is no turning back... chill isn't it?! Never the least, wish all of us the best in the upcoming "hurdles" and to Mr Roshan too.. P.S: Don't forget us ya.....

OMG.... Am I really Attached???!!!!

2006-02-26T11:01:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)

Last Friday or more to Saturday morning , while on the phone with a friend, he asked a tough, relevent question...
Here goes the question: "Erina, why are you still unattached at this age?"....
To be honest, my mind went blank for a while, I didn't expect him to asked me that...
But my reply was this: "I have not found the right 'One' and there is still a lot that I have to learn about myself..." He is bad however, he told me not to asked him the same question even before I open my mouth to asked him the question... Anyway, I dun mind coz I already noe his answer even if I were to asked the same qustion.... Hahaha... He juz cant hide his stuffs from me... Nyahaha....

I mention that his question is relevent coz it make my mind asked my inner self the same question.... I used to want to get married by the age of 21 but look at me now, I am 21 but yet I am still unattached.... Is it becoz of how my love life goes? Is it because I am fussy? Is it becoz I really have not found the 'One'? But I tot I had found him... But wat happen? I am unsure... Is it becoz my feeling for the previous guy whom touches my heart deeply, is still strong as ever? I dun noe the real answer... Really I am a bit confused but I do noe that there is more that I want to noe about myself dat there is going to be no end to it until I put a stop to it myself....
I ever mention dat there is a secret about myself dat I dun noe about...
I am near to the secret but it keep going in circles... It made me dizzy... There is juz too much conclusions that come wif it.... I wonder when it will be clear....
Ahhrrrghhh....Enough of it...

Yesterday, I met my 'dying' Uncle ...
He gave me a 'Princess-cut Diamond' ring and told me that if any one ask wat the ring for... Juz tell them that I am attached...
Am I really attached? I really wonder... -Haiz-
He seemed to be damn serious about it but all his boys are attached and he knew dat ....
He wants the ring to be on my right 4th finger but it is a bit loose so I have to put it on my 3rd finger...
What is the ring really for...? Is it juz a gift? Or is there more than it?
Is there something dat he wants? Or did he know that I am still unprepared to go on to the next person... Coz I cant still let 'Him' go so dis ring in a way, will help me through dis incomplete moment in my life?.....
-Haiz-...... -Sign-......
But watever it is, "Thank You"... Dat is all I can say....

GTG..... I have to get myself on Maths now... Have a maths test tomorrow....
Ciow... Catch you pple soon when ever I can....

FeBruArY.... Wat a month...?

2006-02-24T21:22:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
Love is in the air... Hahaha.... I felt great coz I managed to do wat I wanted for this year V.Day... A mini project dat I tot I couldnt finish it on time... I dun noe y i did it but I did... Other than giving me the satisfaction of catching other people
unexpectedly, it free my mind on some issues dat I wanna forget... So the
conclusion.... is the 'Project' is functional.. And a SUCCESS....

I took up new hobbies... 1) Talking to my youngest Uncle... He is sick and I mean
really sick... In his stay in the hospital, we shared some deep stuffs dat is hard to
explain but the connection is there... His secret is mine and when the time come, I
will have to explain it to everybody coz he might not be there to explain himself...
It is such a pity and because of that, it brought me to my 2nd new hobby... 2) Playing
the guitar... To tell u the truth, I am not dat inclined into the musical arts but in
other to distract his mind, I dun mind learning.. To me, it is a new skill dat will
require me to put in more effort as I have very low self esteem when comes to
music... I will really have to learn to put up wif my handicap. Thank God, most of my
classmates are really a musician in them... So dat really help me a little....

My daily schedule: Tight as usual but now I can manage to set back to gear wif
Badminton. My fav. game that I kin of leave it for years... I am playing it again
now but I dun noe how long I can stand it.. Coz I dun really want to exert myself...
My arm power is not as great as before and I kin of limit myself as not to injure it
any more.. It can really hurt at times... It is more of its frailness that bothers me...
Nyahaha... But watever it is, I am contented and happy....

GTG... Going to the coffee shop for supper... Ciow...

2006-02-09T18:12:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
I have finally get used to me again...
I am in the 'chilling' period nowadays...
Mind is a bit corrupted with unusual stuff but hope the people around me dun mind...
GTG coz got a surprise to think for this year's Valentine's Day...
Hahaha... Catch u people soon... Tata...

The 1st Entry Of The Year

2006-01-08T09:11:00.000+08:00

Hiyee..... I am back....

Said "Bubye" to Yr 2005 brieftly coz it is one one my 'Happening' year of my LiFe...

I would like to keep some memories and bring it forward as guidance, u see...

January : I was promoted to be the Leader in my working place...

February: Got my 2nd 'O' level result... Wasn't dat wonderful but did okay...

Was very busy working as it was the festive season...

My mom was admitted for some Viral/Bacterial Infection...

The family bond became tighter...

March: It was more like I had more and more 'NO LIVE'... I was very held up with my work dat

is 12 hrs shift. Was sent for a computer course... This is where my typing skill improve...

April: Made a serious decision to upgrade myself... Took up a course in ITE... And made it in...

May: Hand in my resignation letter... Giving a 1-month notice even though I am only required

to give 2-wks notice...

June: My energy was really used up throughly for the JCIA period... It is a pretigious auditting

that will bring up the name of the institution.... Till the last hour of my official working day,

I was not spare for breaks... Went away for a short holiday to Penang... It was fun...

Then, skul started.....

July: Never felt so lost before... I was no where to be found by my best pals...

"My World' had suddenly shattered.... Had a great fall dat causes me to be on 1 wk MC but

didnt bother about it at all.... Diagnosis; Hip Contusion

August: Became more stress....

September: My birthday.... Had 3 separate celebration altogether...

1st one was in advance... By my classmates during the 1st Class Gathering...

2nd one on the day itself.... I skip skul.. Took MC. was really not feeling well but

didn't rest @ home instead, went rounding on a friend's bike...

I spent time with Him, going to places to let myself out from the stress...

It was great... Letting my feeling out at the same place dat brought me so much

misery...

3rd one was belated at the Hyatt Hotel In JB... This one is grand... Only comprises of

immediate family..

Was a bit dissapointed coz my wish was to get a flower from anyone...

Didn't get wat I wanted as my birthday present but got it in a virtual

version... Sad but happy at the end...

Today and only for today....

2005-12-28T04:55:00.000+08:00

Gratitude to God (Allah, The Mighty)
I have finally completed the tasks that lingered in my mind for God knows how long...
It is such a relief coz now I can concentrate on other stuff...
Some items on my checklist:-
1) Complete SC assignment, Checked....
2) Make full use of the availability excess to pc, Checked.....
3) Kissed Qur'...Checked.....
4) Blogging, Checked.....
5) Be very nice during this Christmas, Checked
So as to get Christmas present and really got them.... hahaha...:)
6) Visit the sick and elders esp. those in the Hospitals.... Checked....
7) Spring cleaning... Checked... Like Hari Raya Already...
8) Prepare to be the Gal of the Day...... Checked but where my partner seh......
9) Enjoy myself..... Extreme Checked to the Max..... And the best yet to come....
10) Do revision.... Hmmmm.... Not done... Bad... Very bad...

Yup... Ever since last Monday, I had spent most of my waking hours till wee,wee hours at the laptop... Dat is very long hours mind u... So have not touch the book yet? What I am doing? .... As a start, I learnt and was addicted in playing pool in Yahoo(Games).... Then, I am kind of like enjoy MSNsing everyone dat I noe....

~Home matters.... I am pretty much held up at home with activities that I dunnoe when will end but soon dats 4 SURE....

~Updates on love affair... Every thing is chilling... Nothing dat really excites me... Juz being casual and silly me... I guess.... Miz Him but dislike Him... Feel like wrapping and cuddling Him around me but at the same, feel like I want to bash Him up desperately...

~Skul... It is holz... Miz my classmates.... Esp. Haidir's Daily Tease (which is like a wake up buzzer 4 me) and Rid's Secondly count words (I learnt few stuff abt him like every minutes wif him).... I wish there is a skul out there juz built specially for frenz gathering and nothing else not even lesson... Studies.... Chilling... Even thou i m lost in GM and Molec... Didnt really focus on the subjects these past 5 wks....

~ Frenz Roxz...... Bluek. I made many frenz disappointed. My daily schedule is juz too tight... My buddy, Wei Nen, I still owe him a dinner together. DaT remind me dat I got to go and collect some documents @ Orchard Pt wif him... My nursing pal, Cum2, is like the 1st person to book a date wif me but each time, I had to turn her down.... I tink she 'merajuk' already.... Will try to make up wif her on Thurs...This Thursday, sum of my classmates had invited me out... But I have to c how... Got 2 important date to attend..... I will miz d fun wif them however.... Haiz.... Then, Friday, have to go out wif 2 VIPs... This one a very urgent case one dat require immediate RSVP oneleh.... If not ah... Cialat siah... But dis is subjected to VIPs planning... Thank god... It will be worthwhile though..

~ Me, Myself & I...... The foreign bodies have to stay at the moment... Got no time to tickle them yet... Nowadays, my world keep spinning once a while... Maybe I m juz held up too much.... Ever since the ChipMunk period, I was on med... Tell u a secret, the obedient me have completed the full course of it dat I cant be bothered to pump up wif another round of it anymore even though I tink I am going to be sick soon.... The bug is in the air u noe... Many people dat I noe like Haidir and Ain r trying to get rid of the sore throat.... I tink I m catching the URTI too.... So people listen up to the advice: Get proper rest and Drink lots and lots of H2O and soft ice creams Specially catered for Haidir, Ain and Rid... Dis is courtesy of Missy Me.....

Last Words...... There r so many things happening out there....Be it good or bad..... My ADVICE: So... RELAX and CHILL..... Carry wat u can, throw wat u cant...... Take care... Chill and enjoy urself... Ciow...

P.S; It is like almost 5 am... But I feel dat I can still go on, it is so great to be in here....

ERINA!!!!!! CIOW.... B4 u ended wif a thesis 4 them to read.... N dun 4get to have a resolution 4 2006........................................ Bye.... Will be away 4 quite sum time after..... Like say...Now.........

HAHAHahahahaha...... BLUEK..... Ciow..... C'ya.......

Skul holz....

2005-12-26T16:36:00.000+08:00

Sorry peep... U must be wondering.... Why am I so busy? Well... I am held up with some major event at home..... Can't tell u yet.... It is a surprise.... So chill....

Becoming A Chipmunk......

2005-11-17T22:03:00.000+08:00

On the 15th of November, at about 11am, I was wheeled into the operating theatre. There, my nice Mr anesthetist was waiting for me to put me to a deep,deep sleep.... My surgeon who greeted me just before I doze off was sharing some tips about Newsweek subscription with his subordinates... It was very cold and as usual, they had difficulty in finding my vein to set the I.V line and to knock me out... It was only after about 10 breath of the gas(anesthesia) then I was gone..
The next thing I knew, I was put on oxygen to help me to breath for 10 mins. or so... I was wheeled back to my 'Recovery Ward', bed no.7... I was reported to be well and fit to go home after 3pm... When suddenly, I had the vomitting spell.. Luckily, the nurse who was taking care of me in the OT, was there to help me out... She gave me a cup of Milo to rest my tummy... Can you imagine, I had a tight schedule before the op and was not on a proper diet the past days... I learnt my lessons... If ever, I am schedule for an op the next day, I will rest well and have a good proper meal. This is because the nurse said that she had to do suctioning of my gastric juices while I was out...... They actually put a tube through my gullet and remove all the hydrochloric juices there... Hehehe...
Now the nausea is much better and The bleeding was okay but the swelling is still as bad as ever... I now look like a chipmunk... Hahaha... Today, is the 17th Nov.... It is the class dinner, I had to skip it... Very jealous u know... But what to do... This chipmunk is very drowsy and nauseous.... But whatever it is, I hope u people enjoyed urself... Btw...Kudos to everyone for I understand that many make it quite well for the examination.... Hip-hip-hurray....Congratulations......

The Birth Of Qurratul'ain (Apple of my eye).....

2005-11-17T21:21:00.000+08:00

12th November 2005, a new history was created.... Baby Qur weighing 3.135kg was borned at 2252hrs.... It was very tiring day for me... Coz my schedule was packed.... I was up and out by 8 am for my blood test at Outram... Next, I went to work at CGH from 9am-7pm. I had free lunch with my leader at Sakura Restaurant.. It was very filling but very stress coz my "Boss" kept talking about work all the way... At 7.30pm, my parents picked me up to go Hari Raya visiting... I was still in my working uniform, mind u! Next stop, was to KKH... It was almost 12 midnight when we reached there and the security was tight so we weren't allowed to see Baby Qur immediately... We only could talked to the mommy on the phone and off, we went home... The next day, early in the morning, I was backed in KKH... The skills came back naturally even though it had been some time I left my paedeatrics field.. It felt funny when I first carried her... She was pretty heavy but she is soooooooo cuteeeeee...... Hahaha... My title is changed to 'Busu Tien' now.....

Thank You.....

2005-11-10T22:50:00.000+08:00

Though I had gone through the same procedure once, this time around I wasn't spared for the stress that it is involved. "Came back from the dead" (translation in malay:'sudah mati hidup kembali') that what it felt like when you go for an operation... Mine is a minor one but the risk is huge.... The procedure just remind me of what I heard 11 years ago... It is really nerve recking...
But thank god, this friend of mine was there at the right moment. There was no words being passed around but it was just the "shoulders" that played a part... In fact, the "shoulders" played a very important role for me... It was something that I was looking for all week long to boost my morale... It gave me a sense of security... A sense of belonging... A sense of comfort... I knew that people might look at it at a different angle and so does this friend of mine... But all I could say is "Thank You"... It was the most memorable thing that I can look for in that moment... "Thank You..." "Thank You so much....."

My Deepest Feeling Nowadays....

2005-11-02T09:00:00.000+08:00

"Each living things will die one day when the time comes...."
"Life is short so treasure whatever time you have in this World..."
"Live life to the fullest...."
"Each Failure should be a learning point for one..."

All these sentences,we hear them often...
To me... It is too often that I sometimes lose faith in them...
The feeling of regret at times... I can never push...

What ever happened then was something that was unpredictable and something that I can't avoid... It just came and I was given no choice...
But I realised that running away from it will only make me suffer and that it will come back to me again... And as fresh as ever....

It was just a short conversation but it leave a deep impact on many people...
To tell you the truth, I am also confused of how true it is.... But really it does eats me up physically, mentally and emotionally...... It color me as who I am today....

This year is a special year for me.... In fact, all this while I had always been waiting to reach this moment... Here, the moment of truth shall reveal... It will be a slow and torturing moment but I will make sure that my wait will be worthwhile.... When the right time comes, I shall update you what exactly happen... As for now... let's just say that the time is not ripe yet... Hahaha.....

Present Me....

2005-10-31T13:00:00.000+08:00

Hi people... I know you guys might be wondering what telah happen to me...??!!! Well, as a start, actually I was very held up with my daily activities which seems to be never-ending, then there was the exam period and thank God, it is over now and finally I was without the easy excess to the PC (my bro had electricuited my system...hahaha...). Chill, I am finally back but just for a while... Very busy with the upcoming surgery that I will be in and the festives celebration. But whatever it is, here is the update to my present life. I am trying to get away from my previous triangle love life. I have decided to just keep the feeling for 'Him' deep,deep inside me. Lock it up and keep the key away. Getting well by engaging myself with lots of physical activities...until recently, I caught the 'bug' and my stamina is down again. Will have to wait to work it out again. -Sign- To face 'Him' daily was difficult. It is killing me in fact. If only, he knows how I feel... But there was nothing much I can do, I am just praying for the best. Maybe our friendship will last longer as it is rather than if we were to be attach. 'Kir' is cool. Didn't hear so much from him since his birthday wish to me. Talking about birthday... I had a so-called grand one at the Hyatt Hotel in JB. It was a small celebration with my whole family. But it was a memorable one coz I had not celebrated my birthday ever since my grand-aunt's departure in 1994. I have to go now.. Will update when given the opportunity... Good luck guys... Enjoy the holz....

Sickening day for Me...

2005-09-22T08:18:00.000+08:00

what a day? she really pissed me. who else if not that makcik of ours? had my phase test today. really kancong the queen seh. really blank out there. but it was not that bad actually. it is pretty ok except for when being invigilated by the makcik.... haidir gotto noe someone today... 3 cheers for him. those who were in the 1St team of the phase test, really hope we make it through... Wawan had a rough day yesterday when his mummy is down.. Is she ok already?... Z n Diana is behing me doing the CM project.. Hahaha.. for those who have not complete it? Juz a a words... Waiting for Christmas is it?... Maths is no longer fun anymore... it seems that everyone need a long break away from skul, me too..... As for the rest who will be taking the test, Gd luck, people.

If only.......

2005-09-22T08:11:00.000+08:00

If only I could turn back the time, I wish I could be there for him. He was suffering in silence all alone by himself. It is my friend, Amir. He is undergoing through some relationship problem. Usually, he would share them with me, he confessed that he wanted to do just that. But he wouldn't want to disturb my tight schedule. Poor guy. But then, something happened during the D&D. If onlyi could sit down with him and really chat from heart to heart......

Oh my God....!!!!! Help me plz....

2005-09-12T00:07:00.000+08:00

I am now in deep dilemma. I am struck by two love arrows. 'Kir' is not really my type but i had alway know that at times, we have to give a person a chance in order to fulfill ur lifes' desires and for that I think I ought to give him another chance. But however, there is another arrow. This time from someone wif '-ir' in his name also. For this guy, it is different. The affection is from within myself. I wish I don't have to be caught in this triangle. Oh my godness, how am I going to get myself unhook? One is going after me, the other I am going after.

Juz for Me

2005-09-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

Thank you.... So much... This is so lovely.. I purposely posed it so ur dream to be an idol one day may come true....

This is the lyric of a song regarding my present life from a friend.

Erina
Dari wajahmu yang kutahu
Kau berendam airmata
Adakah kernaku yang kau ragu?
Perhubungan kita

Tidakkah kau sedari padaku kau bidadari
Yang hadir hanya di dalam mimpi
Tak rela ku mengulangi melepas kau pergi
Melepaskan satunya nyawa cinta

Chorus
Mungkin tak selalu kulafaz cinta
Tak selalu berdamping mesra yang kau pinta
Meluka hatimu hingga mengalir airmata
Oh sayang ku berjanji jika kau kembali
Sehingga nafas terakhir kucurah embun cinta
Bersama suka duka
Setia kepadamu Erina

Maksud kau daku menerima
Hakikat kau tiada
Salah sangka melebur cinta kita
Yang dulu terbina
Hancur mahligai indah

Wahai bidadari janganlah kau berpaling lagi
Seandainya kau melambai pergi
Lukaku tak tersembunyi
Tak rela di saksi
Melutut daku merayu kembalilah

Erina
Kutahu apa yang telah kau lalui
Betapa pedihnya kau di hati
Percayalah bukan ku berniat begitu
Bukan begitu sayang
Jangan biarkan ia berakhir begini
Kerna kutahu di hati kita masih menyintai
Kembilah ke pangkuanku Erina
Kembalilah

Chorus

P.S: Actually, I dunoe how the song goes but the lyrics suits me.

my journal

2005-09-07T11:01:00.000+08:00

Today, I am wearing my new stuff. Had a shopping spree yesterday. Sebabnye bingit degan Si Dia.... Hahaha... That's very common for girls, if they are unhappy, they go shopping... Now, I am trying my best to write my daily journal here. So people, watch out. coz the story may require you to standy by some tissue paper. But now gotta go ... Need to go home before my 6 o'clock show starts.

Under construction...

2005-09-06T15:35:00.000+08:00

Sorry, people. I will have to take a break for a while coz I have to sent my new pc to ICU.. Ha,ha,ha. My bro had burned the monitor.

Me, Myself and I

2005-08-31T10:13:00.000+08:00

Yeah, people... this is were I am going to hit big on the computer...